Since the last time

Let’s just make a short little summary of what has happened since last time I wrote something here:

• finished university – exams and essays and academic pressure is a thing in the past and I can happily say that I will be graduating with a 2.1 from one of the UK’s best universities
• moved to London – me, my books and my tins of loose teas have been picked up in Leamington by my boyfriend’s dad and we now live in London’s northern parts
• spent a little too much money on alcohol – but on the other hand if there’s ever a time when it is ok for me to go out 3 nights in a row it is now, right? I need to celebrate my exams, ok? Good.
• watched (and not watched) Orange is the New Black – I was looking forward to the new seasons A LOT but this season just gets to me a lot more in that completely innocent people end up in great trouble and at time I just can’t watch it. I feel too much for these characters that I’ve been following
• had an iron deficiency – and I will say that this is NOT because I am vegan, by which I mean that it is not a flaw within the concept of a vegan diet itself, but because I haven’t been eating what I should have been eating during the revision and exam period (beans, lentils, cooked green veg etc.)
• stopped reading and then started again – but with the small difference that this time I can read whatever I want rather than what is on the reading list this week

And also lot’s of other stuff that but we can take that at some other point. Oh well.

Talk to you later xxx

The sensitive art guy

At some point I want to make love to a sensitive art guy to see how he’d touch me and make me feel. I want his long hair to get tangled up with mine and for our slow breaths to mingle between us. I want him to take it slow and to be careful, yet assertive. I want to feel the passion in every moment and when we’re done I want to clasp him tight to me as tears trickle down my cheeks, and maybe also his, because crying is the only way to let our emotions when they’re that strong.

12th May

I just need to write something here for once. Because I never write these days. Apart from the 5000×2 and the 2500 word essays I handed in last week. All due on the same day and I wonder why my department does that? And also how it can be ok to have most of my assessment for this entire year due within the space of a month. In that sense May is a horrible month.

On the other hand the weather is becoming nicer and warmer and soon, soon, soon, soon, soon I will be DONE WITH UNIVERSITY. But, as one of my friends said: A lot lies between then and now.

And he is right. I have substantial amounts of studying to get through. Numerous Shakespeare plays to refresh and reread, a lot of theory to familiarise myself with before my Literary and Cultural Theory exam, and several plays + secondary readings to find for my European Theatre exam in 12 days time. It is all very stressful. Sometimes I struggle to get to sleep at night and I am tired every morning when I wake up.

The thought of the future kind of scares me. This is the first time in my life where I have finished something without having a clear plan of what is going to happen on the other side of what I am doing now. The answer has hitherto always been: more studying. I need a break from that now. I need to write and read what I want to write and read and not live under the constant pressure to perform well. It is mostly a pressure I put myself under I think so I should really be able to overcome it but hey nevermind. Not now. I just drink more coffee instead.

Some of my favourite things in life:

• Coffee in the morning
• Evening light
• Lipstick stains on a take away mug
• When I’m in bed under my blanket and absolutely no air gets in so that I reach my perfect temperature of not too warm and not too cold
• Bookshops
• Cuddling and kissing
• Old buildings
• Sunshine
• Watching the pen make letters into words in my notebook

Laters xx

Jag skriver mer sen, okej?

12/1

I get up in the morning, do reading on the bus, sit in the library and read before my seminar, have a seminar and then an hours break, in which I do reading, a 2h seminar and then a lunch break for 2h 30min in which I try to do reading but it is very slow. I have a seminar for 1h 30min and then at 6pm I finish and take the bus home where what awaits me is essay writing and more reading.

Living on the edge

I’m on the bus to uni and my eyes are swollen and my head hurts a bit because I cried myself to sleep last night thinking that my computer was completely destroyed.

That thing that can’t happen this close to a deadline happened and I knocked my cup of tea over and the red-brown rosebush liquid seeped in to the keyboard and the touch pad. I moved with immaculate speed and wiped as much of it as I could up with the flowery tissues that were lying on the side of my desk and exhaled because it seemed like I got most of the liquid. I continued reading the play I was reading when it all happened. I got through Act 3, Scene 2 and Act 3, Scene 3 but when I was on the Afterword the screen went black and the computer wouldn’t turn either off or on. That’s when I panicked. I ran to the kitchen and got the bag of rice which I poured into a plastic bag and put the computer in it. I’ve heard rice is good for phones that have been in water as it absorbs the wet but I had no idea if it works for computers as well. The site I googled in panicked said “keep it warm” and “keep it dry” so I took the heater and placed it next to the rice-computer plastic bag and let it stand there for the rest of the time I was awake. Then I cried. It just felt so hopeless. I can’t buy a new computer. How could I be so stupid to place the mug of tea so that it could spill on the keyboard? Why am I losing control over everything at the moment? Why do I even bother trying when everything is obviously against me? How I am going to write the essay that’s due in 9 days if I don’t have anything to write it on? The kind of thoughts you have late at night when you are stressed and something which is not allowed to happen happens.  Then I brushed my teeth and went to bed with a snotty blocked nose feeling lonely and thinking that if I cry this much when my computer might have crashed how would I ever be able to deal with a breakup? The kind of thought that you shouldn’t think when you’re already upset. When I woke up I took the computer from the bag of rice and the pieces rained down on my bed covers. Carefully I saw the computer turn on, the circle began moving, the computer was processing. I managed to log in. My files were still there and everything seemed to be the same as it was before it happened. Everything seemed to be working apart from the touch pad which I could live with since I have an external mouse anyway. Before I left home I made sure to make a backup of all my important files and then put the computer back in the rice bag to recover while I went to uni.

I get to uni and go straight to the library where I find the books that I could also read online but I need them as physical copies in case my computer would decide to crash completely when I get home again.

ARN-LHR

I leave for my second place before I’ve really settled in the first. I’ve been home for 2 weeks and 2 days which is not that long but long enough for it to seem normal again. Like waking up in the bed sofa next to the Christmas tree in our Gävle flat is what I always do. Like I haven’t ever even lived in the UK. Isn’t that weird? In a way it feels a bit like I am always on the move. My life fragments are so short. A term is 10 weeks and then I’m in London for 1 week, in Sweden for 2 and in London for 19h. Then I’ll be at university again for 10 weeks, with the occasional London visit I guess. When I look back at the term that ended just under a month ago it feels far away and like it almost didn’t happen. Bus rides to uni, evenings out, lunch on campus, seminars, lectures, essays. All of that feels very abstract.

I am currently sat at the airport, in a faraway corner of the F-pier, connected to the only working plug I found. Yesterday I said goodbye to my dad and my sister, my friend and her family. Today I’ve said goodbye to my mum and my stepdad and on my way to the airport I met up with a friend I haven’t seen in a long time for lunch and a little chat. Then I said goodbye to her as well. I don’t like saying goodbye to people. Even if I know that I will see them again soon. Nothing is as bad as saying goodbye to my boyfriend, but still, a goodbye is a goodbye and maybe I shouldn’t be so obsessed with them as I am. What matters is not the goodbye in itself but everything you had together before that. Kind of.

2014

I look back at my blog archive from 2014 and I think it is beautiful. It tells a story of my life in a documentary way with short glances and I share a lot of my thoughts. I want to get back to that. I want to get back to the small black and white photographs from my little everyday life and my way of expressing myself but it all stopped some time in 2015. Partly because university made me very busy but also because I think that I might not have been that stable emotionally and, as I have said before, moments like that either make me write excessively or not at all. It made me write not at all and that is still the case. Partly, it is also down to that I mostly write when I am alone and I spend less time alone these days because I have someone to share my days with. And I have other things to think about which means that I have to move on in life and thought rather than reflect on what I feel and what goes on. But I want to get back to that because writing is what I enjoy. I will get back to that, maybe not straight away but at some point. After all, this year I will finish my bachelor of arts and be more free than I have ever been. Hopefully then I’ll find the time. I’ll make the time.

</3

There is just so much pain in the world today and I really really hope that love will trump hate.