Month: July, 2014

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Do you ever feel that you just want to be close to someone, physically and mentally. I do. I badly do. 


Companionship through eye and mind

I am rediscovering music. Music, that wonderful art form that makes the mood change like the weather. Man surely is an impressionable being.
Music has for a long time been a morning train matter for me, to relax and to block out the sounds of other commuters, but lately music has become a bigger part of my day. I think it is connected to my being home alone. I have a tendency to become rather possessive of what I like or I do not fully dare to stand up for liking it – music in particular since it is an area outside my comfort zone. Most importantly I dislike making too much noise when my family is at home since we live in a flat where sounds travel easily from room to room. At the moment though, when I am the only one at home, the tones are flowing again. I listen to new discoveries, old time favourites and other interesting compositions. I dance around in the kitchen while cooking and mime along when I brush my teeth. A bit like a friend that makes me happy, a companion.


I thought it would be scarier staying at home alone than it is. As a matter of fact it works out just fine. I get up in the morning and eat my breakfast all by myself. I put my dirty dishes in the dishwasher and head off for work (making sure that I have my key with me since there will be no one at home to open for me if I forget it). When I get home the flat is in the exact same state as when I left it. Empty and a little messier than usual. 
I cook my own dinners – spaghetti and vegetarian sausages, chickpea burgers, tomato and lentil soup – and while I eat it I watch a TV series on my computer or I read a book. I always make sure to make enough food for a lunchbox. 
Sometimes in the evenings I go out to meet my friends. Other evenings I will just stay at home.
I open the windows in our library and sit in a chair underneath, feeling the breeze and listening to the seagulls playing in the air outside.The tree tops are green and full of leaves. I drink my water from wine glasses – that air of sophistication. 
Every now and then I will put my wallet in my bag and go out shopping. A cucumber, some bread, soy milk, nectarines and an orange. 

I wouldn’t call myself self-destructive but there are little signs in the things I do

I walk home late at night, alone with myself and the dark. I stay up later than I should, although I know I will feel bad tomorrow. I procrastinate for deadlines ending up writing last minute with tears in the corners of my eyes. I argue for the sake of argument and not because of disagreement. I eat things I know are bad for me and I don’t always brush my teeth in the morning. I wear shoes that do not fit and no one is ever allowed too close.
Maybe, behind all this, is the little signs of self-destructiveness. Alternatively: I am just testing life. Exploring what it has in hold for me.


It is a nice feeling when the “if” of autumn becomes a “when”

I made it. All those sleepless night and stressed out last minute writing moments. All the planning, all the doing. All the worrying and all the challenges.

It has all paid off.

I got what I needed to meet my conditional university offer.

What I will be doing this upcoming autumn is now set and decided (or at least as good as). I will move, not only away from home but away from my city and country. It will be the biggest step I have ever taken.

After that, I will be invincible.

And now, up until 4th October, I can enjoy being free.

Because I know something is waiting for me in the autumn.


I drink my coffee black nowadays and enjoy flavours that my childish tastebuds would never have touched. I can bike all the way through town at 1 in the morning if I like. I have crossed the boarder between school life and adult life, that I noticed when I walked around town wearing my student hat and people of older ages nodded at me and congratulated me for graduating. I can stay up until 3AM without anyone telling me to go to bed. I could pack my bags any moment and leave to wherever I wish. 

I guess this is growing up. 


en t’attendant

A sudden realisation of a song I haven’t heard in a long time. The kind of song that brings back feelings. I am shivering all over. The destructiveness. The desperation. I only have a vague idea of what she actually sings about. The French language lays between hearing and understanding like a wet blanket. Climax.
My window is open and there is a breeze. The candle flickers in the draft.

It’s official that it is inoffical

She wrote “Now it is officially July” and I wonder if it can ever inofficially be July. What month it is, even if it is a social construction to begin with, is so fixed into our daily society and so incredibly official that I wonder if that officialness is possible to break. I suppose that I could easily make it “inofficially October” today if I wish, but to what purpose? In that case, won’t every month officially be one month and inofficially be all the other months in a year at the same time as being no month at all.
But, for the time being, it is indeed officially July.