Currently sitting on my White Sheets with Book and Tea Mug, balancing the latter so that White Sheets won’t turn Brown.
Life is a little upside down, as usual I would like to say but something is not so usual. One week ago I was ill with high fever and a sore throat, last Saturday I dragged you with me to a cathedral just to look at in and none of us really enjoyed it. The wind was cold, it took us ages to find IKEA and when we got there they didn’t have what I wanted, when we were to eat lunch Pizza Express was full and the bus back to campus took twice the time it usually takes. That night I got food poisoned, kicked you out from my room at 2am, vomited at 5am and 8am and spent the rest of the day being miserable in bed having to prepare a presentation for the Monday, feeling judged every time you came into my room to ask me if I wanted anything simply because you were standing up and I was lying down. Highly intimidating – believe it or not.
On Tuesday night I got the news that my aunt had slipped into a coma, started feeling sick again (from shock?), kicked my you out of my room at 12pm, didn’t throw up but woke up to the news that my aunt passed away that same night. I don’t know how to feel about it. I feel cold and heartless since I haven’t been able to cry but I just carry on with my life as usual. It feels like I owe her my sadness somehow since death is a terminal thing. I do ask myself – do we grieve for those who have passed or for our own sake, for the loss and the longing? Or maybe it is both? Maybe we don’t have to choose one or the other? All I can say for sure is that I loved her (I still love her) and that that phone call I had with her brother when he told me what had happened hurt inside like nothing has hurt me before and that I manically squeezed the mittens laying in my pocket hard, like massage, all the way home from my seminar before I crashed on my boyfriends bed and just wanted to be close to him without speaking at all. My eyes have watered many times but I just never get there. After all, I haven’t cried properly since 23rd September so maybe I need some warm-up before I start. It is like that Thug Life video that circulates the internet – “Name something that has to be warmed up before you use it” “Your wife”.
Maybe my emotional life needs a warm-up. But as I said, the winds are cold.