Month: April, 2015

Sleepless night

I cannot sleep. Not tonight, not without you. Your breath your skin your arms your warmth your smell you.


Log out (yes, pun intended)

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I walk a lot because it is the only thing that keeps my restlessness in some kind of control. I walk down to the railway tracks and look at the timber. The logs stick out like the pipes of shotguns, all ready, all waiting for the command: Fire!


It messes with my mind to have three different homes, two countries and friends spread out in numerous cities.

Paradoxical but true – all I think about is you

_1070110_editedNot much happens, not much is written. I am so restless that the only thing that helps is lying completely still on my bed doing nothing. Paradoxical but true. It gets even better if I lie on the floor. I am very stuck at the moment. Stuck where I don’t really necessarily want to be but where I still really want to be at the same time. Paradoxical but true.


I Skype; I don’t Skype. No matter if I do or not I miss him the same and sometimes I feel that it is easier not to Skype and pretend he doesn’t exist. My thoughts are like elastic bands that reach out but always retract and bounce back to the middle point – him.


I was going to be here for 28 days and of them 21 were left and then 14 and now 7 but it still feels equally endless. I can’t think and I cannot not think. Paradoxical but true. I miss you.



The 22nd day of the easter break and I have discovered Tumblr. I sit here, I scroll, I type in words in the search field and my aesthetic eye gets plenty of practice in thinking about what would look good in my Tumblr feed. I’ve decided that the type of Tumblr page I want is one where I can gather pictures that I like – illustrations, photographies, artworks etc. – with the occasional input by a quote or a little poem or just a little thought. And GIFs of people kissing because that is what I want to do most right now.

Coffee and cinnamon buns – a great way of passing the time

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I like short stories because you can read one whenever you like and they are short and not as intense as a novel.

All I know now is that I missed you yesterday, I miss you today and I will miss you tomorrow

I miss you I miss you I miss you but I don’t really know how much I’m allowed to miss you since I’m only 18 and this is my first relationship and we are “only” going to be apart for four weeks in total.  But then again, who says that what I feel should in some way be worth less than what anyone else feels just because I am young. Maybe what I feel should in fact be worth so much more because I am young and it is the first time I properly feel like this to this extent. Yes, I am naive but what else can I possibly be? And isn’t love and naivety closely connected? I think it should be because we don’t know how long we will last or how long we will love or what will happen tomorrow so therefore I will just assume that we will last forever. I think that strong emotions have to contain some kind of short-sightedness. At the moment I can’t imagine ever feeling the way I do about you about anyone else and therefore I cannot imagine myself together with anyone else and therefore it seems clear to me that we will last forever even if I know that statistically and most probably we won’t. If one believes that it won’t last forever I wonder what the point of the relationship is? Passing the time-relationships and comfort for the time being? I want certain measures of ignorance about the future and full-time devotion. If not, I’ll might as well continue being all by myself. We have been together for five months today and of those five months at least two have been spent in different countries. It is an involuntary distance relationship although I don’t understand why anyone would ever have a voluntary distance relationship. If that is the case, once again I wander what the point of such a relationship would be.