Month: May, 2015

Mind your head


Mind your head because if you think too much it might start hurting.
Mind your head because if you think too much you might not be able to figure out what is wrong and what is right (write) and your thoughts will end up rushing around inside you without ever reaching a conclusion.
Mind your head because of you think too much about the wrong things you might end up in a constant state of confusion.


List of things I wonder about

  • Why are human beings so stupid?
  • Why is the human psyche so weak?
  • Why is the British weather so unpredictable?
  • Why is the immediate answer almost always no?
  • Why am I always so stressed even when I don’t have anything to stress about?
  • Is there such a thing as a non-dysfunctional family?
  • Why do I only feel comfortable when wearing black?
  • Why am I always so afraid of what others will think?


I am finished, I am free and I don’t have to write another essay until October. However, I don’t really feel that freedom.

Maybe it is because I slightly messed up that last essay in one of my papers and when I told my mum she just coldly said that “at least this isn’t the year that you get grades that count” and that made me feel that I could have done more and it felt like she is slightly disappointed with me. I hate it when people are disappointed with me.

Maybe it is because this year has gone so freakishly fast and been so crazily confusing and if it hadn’t been then maybe I would have felt calmer now. The thing is that in the first term I constantly doubted myself and my skills in reading in writing. During the second term I missed home a lot and spent the two last weeks crying for things I didn’t even know it is possible to cry about. It was also when things just got to me. The Big Clash of What I Used To Think and What I Think Now which made me feel fed up and tired of words and arguments – great if you’re studying literature!

Maybe it is because I have not even been able to celebrate my finish properly because I am the only one who is actually finished. Some people haven’t even started their exams yet and since I finished this early and only had three exams all together I don’t want to rub it in their faces that I am finished and they aren’t.

Maybe it is because I am a restless soul and I have nothing to do for four months. Because I have to go home soon and won’t get to feel him hugging me at night or breath in his smell for four weeks at the time until he comes to visit and then I will have to be without him for at least another four weeks. Because I miss him unbelievably much when he is not here with me.

I think it is because the summer at this moment feels like a Great Big Insecurity and I am not really sure of what to do with myself. I think that might be why.

Betwixt between

I’m sitting by my desk and while the poets and arguments and sonnets and secondary source critics all rush through my head I can feel the smell of summer that drifts in through the open window. I still need to revise but I can’t stop thinking about the fact that I in less than 24 hours will be finished and the summer will be mine.


Back on track – back to back.

Exams coming up – stressed stressed stressed but behind the stress lies the unbearable lightness of actually being finished with my first year at university in a weeks time. Weird weird weird. When did I become this old and where did this year disappear?

I desperately need to go to Tesco because I am out of food and have nothing to snack on but raw carrots.

I have four piles on my desk – 1 for each module – in some kind of attempt to keep things organised.

I am so not organised.

I panic a little bit every night before I fall asleep and I wonder how the exam thing will ever work but deep down that fluttering hope lives and tells me that I will be fine.

Countdown – 1, 2, 3.

10 days left till my first proper university exam and I am tired so nice coffee has been replaced by freeze dried bitter instant – no milk. I have realised that I like peanut butter and I feel more comfortable with myself than I have done in a long time. I haven’t cried in more than a week and tomorrow I’m leaving the university area to spend a few days in London with the BF. Hardcore revision, a visit to a vegan restaurant and catching up on sleep is all that we have planned.

Fair enough.

I feel more comfortable because he tells me he likes me without make-up (which I assumed and basically already knew but to have it confirmed is always nice). I feel more comfortable because our relationship has passed that point where three little words have been uttered. We were at a night club and he was leaning against a pillar by the bar while I got him some water and I gave him the water and he drunk it and I looked him in the eyes then leaned in closer and told him I love him. I had to say it twice because the music was so loud but when he realised what I said he said he loved me too and I gave him a quick kiss before we snuck out and went to the nearby chip shop one hour before everyone else. After that he has told me he loves me twice – both times when we have been snuggled up in my bed with arms and legs and hand and hair entangled.

Inamo St. James, London

“Don’t they have any normal food?”.

I think to myself: you know that if you went to Japan this would be normal food.

“What?! They don’t even have chips?”

I think to myself: no, of course they don’t. It’s a Japanese restaurant, remember?

It’s the typical spoilt narrow-mindedness I so don’t miss from little Sweden claiming that there is mass-invasion in a country with the 196th largest population density in the world meaning that no one basically lives there.

What do you expect? There to be meatballs and potatoes and brown onion sauce served where ever you go?

Grow up and realise that the world is bigger than you are.

Animal babies, veganism and narrow-minded (wannabe) philosophers

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Spring is here and the animals are out with their babies. I decide to go vegan (and not because he has as well it but because I am capable of thinking and able to make my own autonomous decisions) (Also, veganism makes sense. Duh.). When I walk into the kitchen I get the question: “Rebecca, don’t you ever feel like eating pork?”
Answer: No, if I felt like eating pork, I would eat pork. I am not trying to make myself into some kind of non-meat-eater martyr.

“Did you know that pregnant women are advised to eat meat?”
“No, but I’m not sure that is necessary. My mum didn’t eat meat when she was pregnant with me or my sister and we turned out all right.”
“Oh, but you are a little bit crazy.”
“Well, I’m starting to wonder how sane you are considering that you eat meat.” (badum tsss)
“You know, if you and Joe ever get a baby it’s going to be a psycho baby.”

I don’t mind people asking why, I don’t mind people wondering why I have chosen to not eat any animal products. What I do mind is that this particular person’s questions are asked with the underlying premise of him considering himself to be right and me to be wrong. It is in other words not a question asked out of curiosity but a question asked with the intention to prove me wrong. I think he should be more open-minded since he is doing a philosophy degree. Philosophy is not about proving other people wrong. It is about looking at other possible ways to do things, to question what is often taken for granted and to evaluate what might be the most plausible conclusion. I don’t think he has got the hang of that yet. When I complain about his questions others tell me “Oh, Rebecca. You have to remember he’s a moron” (and I have to admit I am trying very hard to not use any ad hominem against him) (twat). I also think that he is not in any position of making complaints about me not getting enough nutrients – his diet consists of breaded processed chicken, oven-baked chips, Cadbury’s Turkish Delight and about 3 Litres of milk each week.

Next time I walk into the kitchen he says “Mmm, meat” and I just smile at him and think to myself “Fine, you eat your meat and drink your milk and I’ll just live longer”. (badum tsss)