The truth is that at the moment I am not quite enjoying university. Am I even allowed to say that considering that I pay £9000 a year?
This year I have read 44+ plays and 14 novels (although I have not had time to finish them all). There is always the constant pressure of performing well at the seminars. I have to devote so much time to my essays that I don’t have time to read the novels/plays and vice versa.
I have a seminar tutor that makes me feel like the most stupid person ever and, truth be told, she is probably the main reason for why I don’t enjoy uni at the moment. She speaks to us like we are misbehaving 13-year-olds and not 20-something almost adult university students. She tells us off for not having read something she never even told us to read and dismisses our thoughts if she doesn’t agree with what we say. I spend 2h each week with her in one of the big rehearsing studios. 5 students on chairs in a circle in the middle of the room. It is not an equal discussion, a safe-place to test your ideas. It’s a bloody interrogation. I hate Tuesdays because of her and no matter how well I prepare for her seminars it feels like she thinks I can always do just a little more. She thinks that the first years are dull because they think according to the mark scheme and not for themselves. I don’t do that but it feels like she is projecting her views of how dull we are as a group onto me and it makes me underperform because she never even lets me show what I go for. The only way I could ever say anything in these seminars is through interrupting either her or someone else in the group. (Mainly E***, the tutors favourite). I don’t do interruptions because I don’t think that what I have to say is more important than what anyone else has to say. She gives me my essay back without a single bit of positive feedback. How is that suppose to motivate me to write better essays when she makes me feel like I don’t have a single good, original idea?
I go to her office crying and she doesn’t even acknowledge it. Doesn’t say that if you just change this or this in your essay it would be a good essay. Doesn’t give me any credit. Just thinking about this again makes me tear up and I hate it. I hate it that she makes me feel this way.