b r e a k

Just like every break this break ended too quickly and I have too many things to do now. I feel very unprepared for the start of a new term tomorrow but hopefully things will make more sense again quite soon. Today I have walked round most of Leamington and caught up with the people I am living with for next year. They made me dinner as well = very nice people. Saw my boyfriend for a quick kiss and gave him some donuts since he’s got 4 exams this upcoming week and I thought he’d might need some cheering up. I’ve got the house to myself all week as one flatmates has basically moved in with her boyfriend and the other is not back yet.

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Back on track

I wake up on my own in my own room this morning. My cold is better. I can almost breathe for a start. That’s good. It feels weirdly natural to be back in Leamington. It actually feels fine and last time I came back it didn’t really. It’s gonna sound ridiculously cliché but I think that I’ve grown as a person, especially the term that just passed. It feels like I’ve grown closer to him as
well which in some ways mean that I can be stronger in myself because I don’t have to doubt him. Maybe it should have been that way from the very beginning but being in your first relationship is really hard to get used to actually.

Right, I’m gonna get up and get some breakfast. Talk to you later xxx

What if leaving was a loving thing

I hate these days in between where it’s long since I came and not very long until I leave again. I’ve been here for 21 days so it means that I really really miss the people I haven’t seen for 21 days (mostly him but if any of my friends are reading I include them too). I’m leaving on Wednesday, today is Monday, so it’s too late for me to really do something and the thought that I won’t see my family or friends from over here for something like 3 months is dawning upon me. The thing is that I know I’ll be fine once I’m back and settled, it’s just during these days in between that I find it hard to adapt to the thought of complete and utter change again.

You and me

In a really nice way I think that we balance each other quite nicely, me and him. We are quite different. I am into art and literature and talking loads. He is more sporty and quiet. I could never have imagined that I would go out with someone who watches that much sport, you know. And we are even from different countries which means that somethings others might take for granted are things we do not share. But I think that our differences make us exchange and share things which we otherwise might not have shared. I take him to art museums and walks and he has to listen to my talking. I watch sport leaning against his chest and who knows if I’d gone for that 4.8 km run tonight it wasn’t for him.

Of course we share things as well. We go for bike rides, laugh together, eat and cook vegan and are not massively in to uni party culture. We like watching films in bed and taking it easy in the sun. We like being quiet together and then there’s that inexplicable sensation of physical attraction that moves to something emotional which still makes my heart jump in my chest when I see him.

I wouldn’t say that we are a match made in heaven but I don’t believe in perfect matches anyway. All I know is that he is Mr. Right for me as in just right now.

Coffee date with myself

Here I am having a coffee date with myself in a café. What I needed. Although it is one of the chain ones around where I live it is calm and quiet. It’s less central than some of the other ones and 20:14 on a Tuesday is not exactly prime time for people going out for coffees. I brought nothing but my book and my thoughts. I think that me-time has become even more important for me lately. Or since I moved away from home. If I don’t get it I will end up being in a very bad mood and not very pleasant to be around. Sorry family that you have to deal with me when I am this moody. Sorry bf for that you always have to deal with me.

(W)horemones

Reasons for why I end up being in such a shitty mood when I am on my period.

• My body hurts. My back hurts. It is like someone is squeezing my insides. I read somewhere that the uterus is the strongest muscle in the human body – men and included. When that cramps, it hurts.
• I get spots everywhere. And it gets me down. I know I shouldn’t care and that the majority of people that I care about don’t care but I can’t not care, ok?
• I get irritated very, very, very easily and it takes me a very long time to get over things.
• Basically anything will make me cry. Thinking of that time 3 months ago when you called me a know-it-all. Arguing with my mum. Someone telling me off. Seeing a picture of you and missing you. Thinking about the fact that I have to leave my sister for another 12 weeks soon.
• I find it hard to sleep. Which makes me tired. Which makes me more irritated. Which makes me cry more easily. Which makes me feel anxious and down.
• I sweat a lot more.
• My boobs hurt. If you touch them I might have to punch you.
• I get mood swings because in one moment I will be thinking that I am fine and be positive but in the next I am so definitely not fine and I will probably never be fine ever again.
• I even feel a bit nauseas at time. Makes it very easy to concentrate on doing my uni work.

In short, I feel like shit. And I hate that I have to go through this once every fricking month. No matter what is going on apart from this in my life, no matter how stressed or insecure about something I already am I know that I will surely feel even more shit quite soon.

A 28 cycle that keeps on repeating itself endlessly. And for about a fourth of that I will feel the PMS symptoms creep up on me. Still I thank the fact that I am living as a woman now and not let’s say 100 years ago. 100 years ago would mean no tampons, no painkillers and no acknowledgement of the fact that although I menstruate it doesn’t mean I am a hysterical person unfit for any authoritarian role in society whatsoever. But at this moment, to be honest with you, I am probably most thankful for the painkillers.

Here we go again…

Yesterday’s post was very positive. Now I am not so much. At the same time as home always is home it is also straining to be home again after having taken care of yourself for so long.
What me and mum always seem to disagree about is my veganism. I said today at breakfast that I’d probably go to the shop later on and get some vegan supplies for myself. This because since it is for me I might as well get it, right? The deal is that when I am home they pay for whatever food I buy, something which I am very grateful for but I have never asked for it.

It is Sunday today which means that it is the day when the Big Shop is made where food is bought to last us for the rest of the week. Mum then suggested that I do the entire shop since I am getting things anyway. I thought that maybe since I then would have to get my vegan things and the normal things maybe it would be quite hard for me to bring all the things back and this I told her. In fact,  I have told her this several times. This is me thinking about it practically. Not me being selfish.
I said I could get some things, bits and pieces. Then I said what I probably shouldn’t have said: “But I’m not getting any meet”. What I meant was not that I won’t buy anything that is not vegan but that I don’t feel very comfortable buying a piece of steak or fresh mince. I didn’t even like doing that when I was pescitarian.

I continue eating but is then attacked with all sorts of claims coming from mum that I am very selfish who won’t do this and if I’m not buying any meet she might as well stop buying vegan things for me. And stop cooking vegan things for me. She wouldn’t let me explain what I actually meant. She also can’t take jokes very well, that mother of mine.

I started crying and I’m still crying. I hate being this emotional. I hate it. And I get very annoyed because I haven’t cried for two whole weeks which for me is a lot. Now I’ve started again so I might as well continue.

9/4

I go to the theatre on my own and I really enjoy it. The ticket steward asks me where Julia is. That’s how often we go there together. When I come home there’s sushi on the table for me that mum bought and put in the fridge.
I Skype him again about a week when he’s been to the lake district and not had a good connection for neither WiFi nor phone. He watches the boxing at the same time so he’s not the best at listening but he is still cute.
I go for coffee with one of my oldest friends and we gossip and talk just the way we used to when I still lived here. I’m invited to her and her parents’ place later on this week to make vegan dumplings.
Out of all the times I’ve been back from uni this is by far the nicest one.